Tuesday, March 17, 2009

clutch at the threads

you might have noticed that the piece i wrote on sunday about visiting a friend of mine in jail has disappeared. this is not because i'm ashamed of what i wrote, or that i'm worried about influencing her case. i've removed the post simply because i am not comfortable with exposing myself the way i did. i haven't written anything that raw and hurting for nearly two years, and to suddenly find myself doing so again made me a bit awkward. the internet is a great tool for self expression, but it's also a place where you can be relatively anonymous, which is comforting. it's like going into a forest and letting off fireworks - people in the next town can see them, but they don't know who let them off.

and i'm not saying that what i put on this blog are things that i usually want to deny. but it's definitely a hyperbolic version of my life, done so on purpose to make myself more interesting. what i wrote on sunday wasn't. it was straight out of my tired little head, bypassed the filter. it's probably one of the best things i've ever written, if the reactions i got where anything to go by.

maybe the removal says that i'm not comfortable with being honest, or with self exposure. whatever. all i know is that i promised myself that i would be easier on myself, and exposing myself to people i know, people i don't know, with the words the way i did on sunday wasn't an easy thing.

but the Beckett quote at the end, that still stands

"Dear incomprehension, it’s thanks to you I’ll be myself, in the end."

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