Wednesday, February 11, 2009

the motorcade will have to go around me this time

do people ever ruin songs for you? maybe on purpose, maybe not. but maybe sometimes someone does something that means that every time you hear something you used to love, you get thrust back into something you were trying to run from. and it fills you with a dull rage, because it's like being robbed. so maybe you start to keep your cards close to your chest, because you're older now, you can't be so obviously selfish and petty about such a thing as music. but you make a definite effort to stay away from that piece of music for as long as possible, trying to forget about how maybe it glued you back together, one night in Angel Place after a long hard day at work, trying to forget about how maybe someone ripped it off you one hot day in some European country that you hated. you try not to talk about music anymore, in case people disagree with you that Editors give the best sonic hugs, that Idlewild are among the most intelligent poets in music, that The National will always be able to brighten the dull moments, that BRMC will always lash out at the darkness. you try not to say these things, because you know that they're considered wrong, but you don't quite know why. you try to like Joy Division and The Smiths, just like everyone else, but you had a drunken night with Mr Morrissey where he showed you all the jokes in his songs while Ian Curtis poured the whisky, so maybe you don't understand those bands the way you should.

and then it happens that you're lying on the floor, listening to music because trying to call your university and speak to areal person isn't working, and you realise that those memories aren't really you, aren't really the memories of someone you know. and you press the mental delete button, and for the first time in ages, listen to a song you used to own. and you realise that it wasn't ever about ownership. it was about feeling like maybe you'd found somewhere you fitted. and then it occurs to you that maybe you fit somewhere other than an album sleeve.

and then you fall asleep to the song on repeat.

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