trust me

i'm not exactly skilled at planning ahead. the word "tomorrow" never held much sway over me. i almost liked the way everything backfired at me. until now, when i really really really can't afford to fuck things up. it's probably ironic - the one thing i didn't want to mess up, i made catastrophic.

i was supposed to leave on my birthday (a design to help me avoid the damn thing) but my own self destructive nature put a stop to that. i'm not even nervous about going anymore. not even excited. completely apathetic, which is disappointing.

disappointment is the worst thing in the world.

xx

people think that i talk a lot of shit, and they're right. i rarely go through with anything, and when i do, people are a little surprised. they like it when i fuck up, its a regular thing to rely on, especially when i'm so unreliable. and now, now they're all expecting this, even if they won't ever say it out loud. and thats what really tears at me. the fact that they all knew i'd fuck this one up, and they were all just waiting for it to happen.

xx

i dont even want to go anymore. seriously.