Saturday, June 28, 2008

things that go bump in the night

i wasn't going to type this up, but i relayed the story to jason when he rang me this afternoon, and once he'd stopped laughing he demanded i make it public. i don't think anyone related to me is going to be too impressed, so i'll just promise now that i will never ever get myself into this situation again. also, i would like to make the point that i didn't pay for any of the weed i smoked in this story. i think thats pretty impressive.


it's my first night in amsterdam. i'm tired grotty and unimpressed. i'm also drunk and stoned. there are five of us in the dorm. an irishman (paddy? i think so. we'll call him paddy) who is in the same state as me. two english girls who have eaten two boxes of mushrooms each and aren't on the planet anymore. and one argentinian who i am ready to kill. it will not be a pretty death. and after he is dead, i will parade his body through the streets. it is 3 a.m.

what happened was this: Paddy and I went for one beer ('just one mind, i have to be in jerusalem tomorrow!') typically this turned into three beers, and before i knew it i had a joint in my hand and wasn't as pissed off with amsterdam as i had been previously. Paddy and i were talking about how Irish politics are deeply linked to Judaism. then this big hairy thing sits infront of us and starts talking in a thick south american accent. Paddy scowls and refuses to relinquish the joint. i can't understand a word either of them is saying, so i meander up to the bar for a refill. there i bump into an icelandic couple who have taken too much LSD and are paranoid about polar bears. they say this with such straight faces that for a moment i too am paranoid about polar bears, before i return to Paddy and Hairyman, when i become paranoid about hairy South Americans. i manage to make out that this guy is a teetotaller who is trying to get to Barcelona but keeps missing his flight as he does not have a watch. Paddy inerjects - he is going to get food, do i want some? i nod and the irishman saunters off. i am stuck with the two icelandic paranoids and Hairyman. he tells me that 'when i was 20 i took california for one year. i try everything. everything except the sex'. i have another beer. Paddy eventually comes back. no food, but he has had a shower and changed his clothes. i persaude him to take me out for pizza. we try to convince the waiter to pay for us. Paddy says he wont kiss him if he pays our bill. we get a discount, i think.

its about 1am before we throw ourselves up the stairs. i have never been this stoned in my life and am convinced that the best thing to do is open a vegan commune in sydney called something pretentious. Paddy promises to visit and bake food for it. neither of us are vegans. when we get into our room, our shins are bruised beyond belief - victims of the cliffs that amsterdam likes to call stairs. we find the two english girls lying on the hostel floor giggling helplessly at the pretty things they are seeing. one of them proclaims over and over that she 'is in such a state' Paddy passes out on the floor too. i manage to make it into bed. the argentinian is already asleep, fully clothed on top of the covers in the bed opposite mine. someone (me? i dont know) hits the light and we all drift off.


until this colossal snoring wakes us up!! the walls were shaking and the english girls trips were suddeny not as pretty. i resolved to kill whoever was snoring. it would be a shame if it was Paddy, he seemed like a nice guy. the snores got louder and louder and louder. then, oddly, they were interrupted by a stream of spanish. that was it. i was going to have to kill the argentinian. it would be an international crime, but i was willing to do so in order to get some sleep.

the snores started up again, but five minutes later i was hit in the face by a pair of jeans. i floundered and swore and sat up, throwing the pants on one of the english girls. there was a second thump - the argentinian throwing his shirt onto Paddy's sleeping face. i found myself looking at a naked sleeping argentinian. well. not all of him was sleeping. one part of him was very awake. i curled up in a ball and tried to think happy thoughts of bunnies and other innocent things. the snoring had stopped at least.

but when he started panting and whimpering 'mama, mama' i wanted to ask him if he'd mind snoring again. he got louder and louder and faster and faster and i was lying two metres away shaking with rage and anger. finally he let out one final drawn out 'mamaaaaaa!'

it was at this point Paddy woke up 'aw, for fucks sake! heathen!' i made a run for it, back downstairs to the bar. i sat there laughing for half an hour before noticing the icelandic couple. the girl was asleep but the boy was rolling up. he offered and i told him what had happened. there were tears streaming down our faces when Paddy stormed into the bar 'that's the third fucking time this week! i'm putting that bastard on his fucking plane to barcelona tomorrow whether he has a fucking watch or not!!!'

the icelander placated Paddy with pot and beer. i was already pretty placid, but not going to say no to another pint. we stayed down there for a few hours, talking, smoking, Paddy occasionally shouting abuse in the direction of our room. i went to sleep with my head on the table for an hour, i think. Paddy went to get food but had a shower and changed his shirt instead. when the sun came up, i went back upstairs to get my stuff. the argentinian was still naked but face down, hairy backside greeting the world. i grabbed my things and left. Paddy gave me some philosophical words as i went out the door 'you get some strange fuckers in amsterdam'

i nodded, and went to meet my grandparents.


Maddy said...

this is the funniest fucking thing i've heard all day
bless you

Jeza said...

sooo glad jason made you tell that story
grannie came over here yesterday laden with cards and gifts
missing very much
til next time