Monday, May 26, 2008

we miss being deviants

my doctor has one of those smiles that should come with a warning. sadistic people should not be allowed to take blood or give injections. her stash of american brand lollipops mollifies me. slightly. she wants postcards from brussels and berlin. my tongue turns an unnatural blue as she lectures me about contraception, eating properly and my mental health. i'm half listening, busy compiling a list of things i need to sort out in the next week. my visa hasn't come back yet. i haven't deposited a cheque from my grandparents. i have to buy electrical adaptors, get my phone fixed. i have to pack, buy new toothpaste and double check addresses. a sharp jab to my upper right arm startles me, and my doctor smiles, shark-like at me again. "tetanus booster" she explains, and i nod. "can i have another lollipop?" receives an eyeroll, another blue sugar hit, and "get out of here before i have to treat you for diabetes!" i scamper, sore. before i cross the threshold, my doctor calls out "i'll miss you, kiddo." i wave my hand behind me, an acknowledgment. but i won't look back. that was part of the plan. don't look back.


hey, so i really really hope you're happy. that wedded bliss really is bliss. that it's everything you ever thought it would be. i wanna know though - are you satisfied, satiated yet? or are you a little emabarassed that you were splashed all over the glossy pages, fetching a not so glamorous price of $4.95? do you look at the photos and wonder if this is what you wanted? because i do. i look at them, and i think that i used to know you so thoroughly, and that if you were the same person you were then, (you keep claiming nothing's changed) well, i think you are embarrassed and worried and self conscious. but i hope that you're in love and that you're happy. or something like that. whatever helps you sleep at night.

i'm never going to understand the appeal of celebrity.

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